“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
“HELP WITH CAT”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.