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*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
waiting for halloween be like:
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
bias laundering edition
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?