LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.