The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

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WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old


I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created


Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.


Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.


Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.


Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?


Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once


You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.


In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.