The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
You Might Also Like
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*aggressively waits in line*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.