The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
You Might Also Like
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
me and the Superbowl rn
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple