The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda