The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
had to make it
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”