@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

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@Donna_McCoy

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@WhatevaConc

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

@stuzario

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

@4anno

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

@CleverGirl85

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

@CornOnTheGoblin

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

@Marlebean

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.