The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol


It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”


I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.


Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise


I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.


Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands


[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier


They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.


Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.