The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
your honor my client chooses dare
I’m a self-made hundredaire
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme