The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
You Might Also Like
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free