@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

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@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

@PrincesaBallena

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@ndiquote

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza