The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
this is the best day of my life
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
He wanted to make sure😂
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail