The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Friday night party time 🥳
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious