The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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Straight people are cancelled
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
cyclists
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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