The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?