The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think youâre busy
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Iâm not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesnât know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they donât count
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? Heâs been driving for the last hour
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Terribly Tuesday.
đŻđ
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and iâd probably say âwhat are you gonna do, stab me?â
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I didnât even know this was an option. Considering it.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that theyâll ânever get away with thisâ and they didnât get it.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude