The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”