The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
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Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Xylophonist Shredding It
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.