The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor