The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
You Might Also Like
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
#SaturdayBears
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.