The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
My purse is deeper than some people.