Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano