The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way