The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night