The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.