the red hot silly peppers
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.