@govindajeggy
@rsf788 I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
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@rsf788 
@atmylimitlol 
@NYC_Blonde I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
@timothybird186 Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
@crunchenhanced A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
@Fred_Delicious The news is so predictable nowadays
@English_Channel your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
@QwertyJones3 Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
@TheCatWhisprer Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
@TeaAndCopy ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure