@govindajeggy

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

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@rsf788

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@crunchenhanced

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure