The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?