The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Its a hippotatomus
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.