The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Sorry. Not sorry
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
one last job
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”