The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
How wrong was this guy?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Customer is always right
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”