The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me