The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you