The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
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Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
A classic…
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My what?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out