The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?