The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
