The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
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9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks