The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.