The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
i think both sides are to blame here
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found