The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.