The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.