The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.