The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You Might Also Like
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Ion see the issue
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.