The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Twitter remains undefeated
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then