The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.