The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.