The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
You Might Also Like
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Friends that check up on you >
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.