The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
your honor my client chooses dare
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”