The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours


Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.


Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands



DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted


Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”


Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?


when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap


Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.