@mommajessiec

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

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@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

@ThRealBallsDeep

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

@MichaelaOkla

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

@ericsshadow

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

@Daveastated

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

@wildethingy

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

@flashember

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.