The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT