The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
🙂🙃🥹