The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
look at me when i’m typing to you
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty