“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.