@ThisOneSayz Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
@TheAlexNevil “The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
You Might Also Like
@ThisOneSayz 
@MattBellassai alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
@donnie_fairburn 911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
@AcceptableLoses Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
@heymonroe Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
@GrantTanaka exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
@BossChick2North It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
@MamaNeedsACoke The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
@DaddyJew If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
@nettie0918 That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.