The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
me: my friends:
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.